uncertain ....

time will come that im gonna force my self to let go of the one person that i need in my life ... that i loved so much .... infact he's the only thing that makes sense .... but at the same time , the one thing that complicates me ... and i know that im better off without him ... yet i feel empty when ever i try to let go .... but i guess that emptiness is better than constant hurt ... and that it is better to be unhappy alone and sad rather than be with someone whom makes you feel so unhappy and uncertain .....

wanting you ...

i know it hurts so bad seeing you leave .... it hurts even more thinking it's all over again ....maybe the thought of wanting you does adds to the pain im keeping inside .... but how can i stop ? how can't i say the word of letting go ?

when i know from start this feeling im keeping will hurt me so badly ... just leave and never looked back .... never give me hopes .... because staying means you'll be hurting me more ... and that kills me from within ....

for now i will be uncertain ... not because im afraid of losing you but i am more afraid of wanting and loving you more in my silence ........

hindi ako si gabriella silang .....

i can't breath . i can't think . bakit hanggang ngayon ang tanga-tanga  ko pa din pag dating sa pag ibig .
why can't i express my thoughts ? yun bang galit na ako pero hindi ko masabi na ayoko na .  tama na masayado ka ng abusado , sinasaktan mo na ako .
grabe di ba ? eh nuknukan kaya ako ng tapang as in lahat wala akong inuurungan , palaban ika nga .  pero pag dating sa taong mahal ko para akong rookie . amateur  sige kindergarten na lang .
minsan di ko na maintindihan sarili ko . nag iiisip pa ba ako ? alam ko naman na mali na , na nasasaktan at niloloko na ako perocan't breath .can't think . i need a break !!!! minsan hindi ko na alam ang tama at mali . bakit ba naman han sige lang ako ng sige .
ang alam ko wala ng taong martir ngayon . kung meron man dapat sumama na ako ke rizal at kay ninoy aquino ,  pero hindi eh sila ginamit nila ang mga utak nila . ako hindi .. ni hindi nga gumagana eh at wala akong pakialam .ang alam ko kasi kaya ko pang magtiis .
hay naku nababaliw na ba ako ? ano ba ? ang galing ko sa ibang bagay pero pag dating sa pag ibig olats ako.  kaylan ba ako magigising ? hirap na hirap na ako . lagi na lang bang ganito ?
pero ewan ko siguro dito ako nagiging matatag . siguro nga asset ko to ang mag mahal ng mahal kahit na nasasaktan na ako . balang araw magagawa ko din na humindi . yun sabihin ko na "gago ka ! tama na ! ayoko na . nakakapagod kang mahalin ! " malapit na yun alam ko at tyak matutuwa na rin sa akin ng lubos si gabriella silang .

unspoken words .....

i am at my early thirties and yet untill now i dont have that someone whom i can call my own ... my better half indeed ...

looking back ... i been in love .... the feeling of how love can be intense , wild , intimate , a love with compassion and admiration .... but the thing is i only felt this kind of love ... alone.

no commitment involved .... i have mastered it .... i am uncertain in this kind of role ... i can't expect him to be always there for me .... perhaps i can't be jealous ...

there is no "us " only me and him ... i can't be sure of his feelings ... and makes me wonder where i am in this kind of relationship or is there any relationship at all ????

a lot of times i do asked my self ... why do i agreed or settled for this kind of commitment ? is it for companionship ? for having someone to call your own ? for fun ? or maybe a somebody while waiting for that mr.right ......

there is no assurance ... no security ... nothing to hold on because the fact remain .... hindi naman tayo ... at hindi magiging tayo .... friend mo lang ako di ba ??????

because the truth is ... its so rare to find someone who can can understand without words , who can feel without touching and who can make you happy without doing anything ...

test of faith .....

test of faith ….
Test Of Faith
last wednesday anthony dwight peji tan passed away …. a cute six year old boy whose so kulet but loved by so many …. he’s apple son …. a dear friend … last friday i came to visit dwight indeed to bid my last goodbye …. there i saw apple , i saw how she cried a lot of times everytime she mentioned dwight , her ordeal , her reactions , how she questioned god , and most of all i saw her in her darkest day how she let go of dwight and accept her fate …. how she trust god to take good care of her little dwight …. yes it is painful to someone to lost the people whom they really love and treasure …. and this is the story of faith …. i copied this blog from apple …. and here it is ….

aT some
time in those early days—we do not know just at what time, whether in the days
of Moses or later—there was living a good man named Job. His home was in the

land

of

Uz

,
which may have been on the edge of the desert, east of the

land

of

Israel

.
Job was a very rich man. He had sheep, and camels, and oxen, and asses, counted
by the thousand. In all the east there was no other man so rich as Job.







And Job was a good man.
He served the Lord God, and prayed to God every day, with an offering upon
God’s altar, as men worshipped in those times. He tried to live as God wished
him to live, and was always kind and gentle. Every day, when his sons were out
in the field, or were having a feast together in the house of any of them, Job
went out to his altar, and offered a burnt-offering for each one of his sons
and his daughters, and prayed to God for them; for he said:

“It may be that my
sons have sinned or have turned away from God in their hearts; and I will pray
God to forgive them.”

At one time, when the
angels of God stood before the Lord, Satan the Evil One came also, and stood
among them, as though he were one of God’s angels. The Lord God saw Satan, and
said to [181] him, “Satan, from what place have you come?” “I
have come,” answered Satan, “from going up and down in the earth and
looking at the people upon it.”

Then the Lord said to
Satan, “Have you looked at my servant Job? And have you seen that there is
not another man like him in the earth, a good and a perfect man, one who fears
God and does nothing evil?” Then Satan said to the Lord: “Does Job
fear God for nothing? Hast thou not made a wall around him, and around his
house, and around everything that he has? Thou hast given a blessing upon his
work, and has made him rich. But if thou wilt stretch forth thy hand, and take
away from him all that he has, then he will turn away from thee and will curse
thee to thy face.”

Then the Lord said to
the Evil One, “Satan, all that Job has is in your power; you can do to his
sons, and his flocks, and his cattle, whatever you wish; only lay not your hand
upon the man himself.”

Then Satan went forth
from the Lord; and soon trouble began to come upon Job. One day, when all his
sons and daughters were eating and drinking together in their oldest brother’s
house, a man came running to Job, and said:

“The oxen were
plowing, and the asses were feeding beside them, when the wild men from the
desert came upon them, and drove them all away; and the men who were working
with the oxen [182] and caring for the asses have all been killed; and I am the
only one who has fled away alive!”

While this man was
speaking, another man came rushing in; and he said:

“The lightning
from the clouds has fallen on all the sheep, and on the men who were tending
them; and I am the only one who has come away alive!”

Before this man had
ended, another came in; and he said:

“The enemies from

Then at the same time,
one more man came in, and said to Job:

“Your sons and
your daughters were eating and drinking together in their oldest brother’s
house, when a sudden and terrible wind from the desert struck the house, and it
fell upon them. All your sons and your daughters are dead, and I alone have
lived to tell you of it.”

Thus in one day, all
that Job had—his flocks, and his cattle, and his sons and his daughters—all
were taken away; and Job, from being rich, was suddenly made poor. Then Job
fell down upon his face before the Lord, and he said:

“With nothing I
came into the world, and with nothing I shall leave it. The Lord gave, and the
Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

So even when all was
taken from him Job did not turn away from God, nor did he find fault with God’s
doings.

And again the angels of
God were before the Lord, and Satan, who had done all this harm to Job, was
among them. The Lord said to Satan, “Have you looked at my servant Job?
There is no other man in the world as good as he; a perfect man, one that fears
God and does no wrong act. Do you see how he holds fast to his goodness, even
after I have let you do him so great harm?” Then Satan answered the Lord,
“All that a man has he will give for his life. But if thou wilt put thy
hand upon and touch his bone and his flesh, he will turn from thee, and will
curse thee to thy face.”

And the Lord said to
Satan, “I will give Job into your hand; do to him whatever you please;
only spare his life.”

[183] Then Satan went
out and struck Job, and caused dreadful boils to come upon him, over all his
body, from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. And Job sat down in
the ashes in great pain; but he would not speak one word against God. His wife
said to him, “What is the use of trying to serve God? You may as well
curse God, and die!”

But Job said to her,
“You speak as one of the foolish women. What? shall we take good things
from the Lord? and shall we not take evil things also?” So Job would not
speak against God. Then three friends of Job came to see him, and to try to
comfort him in his sorrow and pain. Their names were Eliphaz, and Bildad, and
Zophar. They sat down with Job, and wept, and spoke to him. But their words
were not words of comfort. They believed that all these great troubles had come
upon Job to punish him for [184] some great sin, and they tried to persuade Job
to tell what evil things he had done, to make God so angry with him.











For in those times most
people believed that trouble, and sickness, and the loss of friends, and the
loss of what they had owned, came to men because God was angry with them on
account of their sins. These men thought that Job must have been very wicked
because they saw such evils coming upon him. They made long speeches to Job,
urging him to confess his wickedness.

Job said that he had
done no wrong, that he had tried to do right; and he did not know why these
troubles had come; but he would not say that God had dealt unjustly in letting
him suffer. Job did not understand God’s ways, but he believed that God was
good; and he left himself in God’s hands. And at last God himself spoke to Job
and to his friends, telling them that it is not for man to judge God, and that
God will do right by every man. And the Lord said to the three friends of Job:

“You have not
spoken of me what is right, as Job has. Now bring an offering to me; and Job
shall pray for you, and for his sake I will forgive you.”

So Job prayed for his
friends, and God forgave them. And because in all his troubles Job had been
faithful to God, the Lord blessed Job once more, and took away his boils from
him, and made him well. Then the Lord gave to Job more than he had ever owned
in the past, twice as many sheep, and oxen, and camels, and asses. And God gave
again to Job seven sons and three daughters; and in all the land there were no
women found so lovely as the daughters of Job. After his trouble, Job lived a
long time, in riches, and honor, and goodness, under God’s care

Chaldea

have come in three bands, and have taken away all
the camels. They have killed the men who were with them; and I am the only one
left alive!”

what is a friend .....

friendship isn't always easily described. Instead of different words, however, we're stuck with simple adjectives. Close friend. Best friend. Childhood friend. Intimate friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend. But whether you use adjectives or different words, few could deny the nearly infinite meaning in such a simple word.friends are special people... in a very real sense, friends reflect the choices we make in life. ....

here's my description about friends .....

1. friend is ATE SALVE : she's my real best friend .... no doubt about it through the saddest times of my life .... a friend who taught me how to become strong and fight for what i believe in ... through the saddest and rough times of my life she stayed .. lend a helping hand indeed act as a real ate ..... my wings beneath my wing .

2. friend is KEN-KEN : we're like batman and robin .... she's my better half ...we're like cats and dogs when we fight .... but definitely one true friend .... a one to be trully cherish ...a friend for keeps .... she's like a song that tells :that kind of friend you know , would stay with you through all the pain ,never to leave you in the rain ,ready to listen to what you've been through , your woes and blues and share each other's... points of view ....

3. friend is ELENA : whooooh my friend for 17 years ..... my drinking buddy , my protector , my shield in times of troubles that's ellen ... and i love her dearly .... she's like a song that tells : Lay my life on the line, for you I will fight, for you I will die, with every breath, with all my soul , i'll give my word, I'll give it all put your faith in me, put your faith in me ,and I'll do anything... for you i will ....


4. friend is ROWENA MAY : the most kind among the astig gang ... so pasensyosa ... even if she's mad ... she will not make you feel that you're bad she's just say "hay naku kung di lang kita kaibigan" .... being with may is a blessing ... she listens and understand ... my phonebuddy when things aren't that good .... she's like a song that tells : When youre down and troubled , and you need a helping hand , and nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me , and soon I will be there ,to brighten up even your darkest nights ... you got a friend .....

5. friend is LOLITA:the most outspoken in the group .... when she speaks , she mean it well she's the one i always listen to ... she'll not condemn nor judge but she'll says that you're wrong in the nicest ways she can speak to . ... a friend that accept me just the way i am though i am not so nice .... she's like a song that tells :In good times and bad times , I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for ...


6.friend is MILA : when i think of mila ...i think of beautiful phrases ... beutiful lines ... words to ponder .... that's her ... the beauty of friendship that mila gave me ... she's a friend so dear that i will surely cherish and keep. she's like a song that tells : so we're okay , were fine , baby im here to stop your crying ,chase all the ghosts from your head , im stronger than the monster beneath your bed ,smarter than the tricks played on your heart ,well look at them together then well take them apart,adding up the total of a love thats true ,multiply life by the power of two .......


7.friend is SANTIE MARIE , ANALYN , ESMERALDA : these are the people whom i dont talk and see that much .... but definitely a friends to keep .... though we're apart and have no time to be together , these people never leave ... infact they stayed and continue to be my friends .... they are like a song that tells : But of all these friends and lovers ,there is no one compares with you ,and these memories lose their meaning ,when i think of love as something new
though i know i'll never lose affection ,for people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them , In my life i love you more ....


8. friend is ATEPEACHY : a true friend will keep one's friend secret and that's atepeachy ... with her i found a friend .... an adviser .... a confidante all packed in one . she's like a song that tells : Count on me through think and thin ,a friendship I will never end when you are weak, I will be strong ,helping you to carry on , call on me, I will be there , don't be afraid ,please believe me when I say count on...


and to those people who have touched my life and share a journey with me i thanked you ... words are not enough how thankful i am because i have you all in my life .... to those who stays and never leave i love you all so dearly ....

hard headed me ....

why is it hard to let go ????
why is it hard to forget ????
sometimes the thing that matters to me is my heart
and most of the time i always got hurt
i always forget the rules and follow my heart .
do i deserve to be like this ???
alone ??????
maybe the answer still hangs in my head ....

foolish ....

i made a fool out of my self ...
i fooled my friend ... indeed i fooled you .
why is it hard to comeback when you know its the best thing to do ?


foolish heart ... foolish mind
foolish ... oh so foolish of me.
wish my thoughts are here again ...
i lose my track and still am losing my insanity .