tatay

pag nakikita kita na nag hihirap sinasabi ko na sana kunin ka na ni lord .. ang tagal mo na din na naghirap ng dahil sa sakit mo . madalas hindi ko naiintindihan bakit sa kabila ng pag aaruga ni nanay ay nagagawa mo pa din na sigawan sya at sa bawat pag sigaw mo andun ang inis ko sa puso ko . sa totoo lang kawawa ang nanay pero hindi ko naisip na mas kawawa ka . ang tagal tagal mo ng nag dudusa . ang tagal tagal mo ng nakikipag laban sa sakit mo . minsan hinihiling ko na sana tama na . kasi pagod ka na pero minsan madamot din ako kasi lagi kong sinasabi sayo na daddy lakasan mo pa ha lumaban ka pa kasi gusto ko pa ng tatay . gusto ko pa na makasama ka na andyan ka pa .. pero pag nakikita ko na hihirapan ka sana kung wala ng milagro para gumaling ka ... sana hwag ka na lang masyadong pahiraman ni god . you suffered a lot . at alam ko na hirap na hirap ka na . sana daddy kaya mo pa nga talaga . sana gumaling ka pa pero sana hwag ka naman na pahirapan  pa ni god kasi nasasaktan ako na nakikita ka ng ganyan . sana may milagro pa si god para sayo . i am not wishing foe myself . i pray that the lord will heal and forgive you daddy . salamat sa pag bibigay ng buhay sa akin  . salamat sa mga pananakit mo kasi natuto akong maging malakas . daddy mahal kita .

special day

bakit  pag mag bbirthday ang isang tao nagiging senti masyado . sabi pa nila pag malapit ka ng mag birthday excited , as in looking forward ka for that very special day pero bakit ako hindi? ganun ba talaga iyon ? kasi tumatanda na ako ? kasi wala naman talagang special sa araw na iyon? baka kasi wala na yun taong gustong gusto mong makasama sa araw ng iyong birthday . yun taong kahit saan ka nya dalhin masaya ka na . yun taong sabihin nya pa lang na happy birthday ok ka na masaya ka na ... ilang taon na ba na wala ka ? ilang birthday ko na ba na inaasam na sana maalala mo ako . na sana ikaw pa din ang kasama ko sa napaka special na araw ko . nasaan ka na ba ? bakit hinahanap pa din kita? hindi ba dapat masanay na ako na wala ka na ? kaya ko naman eh .. kaya ko kasi kailangan . pero bakit ganun .. bakit pag nag iisa na lang ako napapaiyak pa din ako katulad ngayon . siguro dahil hanggang ngayon mahal pa din kita ? siguro dahil sinisisi ko ang sarili ko dahil minahal kita ng lubos ? o dahil siguro hanggang ngayon hindi ako makamove on ? sa totoo lang kahit hindi ko aminin nasasaktan pa din ako . umaaasa ?hindi na . nagmamahal ? oo mahal na mahal kita kahit na ayaw mo na ..

six years ....

april 8 2011 yan ang petsa na iniwan mo ako. ang petsang yan ang mag papaalala sa kabiguan at pighati na nararamdam ko hanggang sa ngayon . anim na taon matagal tagal na din pala pero yun sakit at pag mamahal lahat andito nakatago pa din sa pusong hanggang ngayon ay nag hihintay at umaasa . marami ng nangyari . maaring hindi na nga talaga kita kilala ng lubusan . marami na din akong hindi alam . nasanay na ako na wala ka . nasanay na din ako walang tumatawag o nag tetext sa umaga . nasanay na akong walang tumatawag sa akin ng "honey" nasanay na akong wala ka ... pero ang masakit hindi ako nasanay na kalimutan ka at mahalin ka . sana natuturuan ang puso siguro matagal na akong naka pag move on  pero hindi eh sa anim na taon na wala ka mahal pa din kita hindi ko yata alam ang salitang pag limot bakit ang hirap hirap syang hanapin? bakit hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa din ako ? bakit hanggang ngayon hinahanap hanap pa din kita ? bakit ngayon mahal na mahal pa din kita ?  ang sakit sakit na ... bakit hindi kita makalimutan ? minahal naman kita ng sobra pero bakit mo ako iniwan ? kulang pa ba ? may dapat pa ba akong patunayan ? o sadyang hindi mo lang ako talaga minahal ? ang sakit eh ang sakit sakit pa rin ...

broken

it's been a long time ... and i must admit that there's no single day day that im missing you so bad but things change and so are we ... feelings  fade . a love lost and a broken soul is really inside of me  . yes i am still broken but not weak . i still misses you ... i still love you even i told myself that its over .. that you will never love me back  but at one point there is a little one percent of myself that says hey i will never give up .. i will love you from a far even though its hurt me so bad . so here i am again in my saddest moment ... thinking how good it is to loved by you ..

it's been six years ... but the pain remains i may not crying but still i am broken .

uncertain ....

time will come that im gonna force my self to let go of the one person that i need in my life ... that i loved so much .... infact he's the only thing that makes sense .... but at the same time , the one thing that complicates me ... and i know that im better off without him ... yet i feel empty when ever i try to let go .... but i guess that emptiness is better than constant hurt ... and that it is better to be unhappy alone and sad rather than be with someone whom makes you feel so unhappy and uncertain .....

wanting you ...

i know it hurts so bad seeing you leave .... it hurts even more thinking it's all over again ....maybe the thought of wanting you does adds to the pain im keeping inside .... but how can i stop ? how can't i say the word of letting go ?

when i know from start this feeling im keeping will hurt me so badly ... just leave and never looked back .... never give me hopes .... because staying means you'll be hurting me more ... and that kills me from within ....

for now i will be uncertain ... not because im afraid of losing you but i am more afraid of wanting and loving you more in my silence ........

hindi ako si gabriella silang .....

i can't breath . i can't think . bakit hanggang ngayon ang tanga-tanga  ko pa din pag dating sa pag ibig .
why can't i express my thoughts ? yun bang galit na ako pero hindi ko masabi na ayoko na .  tama na masayado ka ng abusado , sinasaktan mo na ako .
grabe di ba ? eh nuknukan kaya ako ng tapang as in lahat wala akong inuurungan , palaban ika nga .  pero pag dating sa taong mahal ko para akong rookie . amateur  sige kindergarten na lang .
minsan di ko na maintindihan sarili ko . nag iiisip pa ba ako ? alam ko naman na mali na , na nasasaktan at niloloko na ako perocan't breath .can't think . i need a break !!!! minsan hindi ko na alam ang tama at mali . bakit ba naman han sige lang ako ng sige .
ang alam ko wala ng taong martir ngayon . kung meron man dapat sumama na ako ke rizal at kay ninoy aquino ,  pero hindi eh sila ginamit nila ang mga utak nila . ako hindi .. ni hindi nga gumagana eh at wala akong pakialam .ang alam ko kasi kaya ko pang magtiis .
hay naku nababaliw na ba ako ? ano ba ? ang galing ko sa ibang bagay pero pag dating sa pag ibig olats ako.  kaylan ba ako magigising ? hirap na hirap na ako . lagi na lang bang ganito ?
pero ewan ko siguro dito ako nagiging matatag . siguro nga asset ko to ang mag mahal ng mahal kahit na nasasaktan na ako . balang araw magagawa ko din na humindi . yun sabihin ko na "gago ka ! tama na ! ayoko na . nakakapagod kang mahalin ! " malapit na yun alam ko at tyak matutuwa na rin sa akin ng lubos si gabriella silang .

unspoken words .....

i am at my early thirties and yet untill now i dont have that someone whom i can call my own ... my better half indeed ...

looking back ... i been in love .... the feeling of how love can be intense , wild , intimate , a love with compassion and admiration .... but the thing is i only felt this kind of love ... alone.

no commitment involved .... i have mastered it .... i am uncertain in this kind of role ... i can't expect him to be always there for me .... perhaps i can't be jealous ...

there is no "us " only me and him ... i can't be sure of his feelings ... and makes me wonder where i am in this kind of relationship or is there any relationship at all ????

a lot of times i do asked my self ... why do i agreed or settled for this kind of commitment ? is it for companionship ? for having someone to call your own ? for fun ? or maybe a somebody while waiting for that mr.right ......

there is no assurance ... no security ... nothing to hold on because the fact remain .... hindi naman tayo ... at hindi magiging tayo .... friend mo lang ako di ba ??????

because the truth is ... its so rare to find someone who can can understand without words , who can feel without touching and who can make you happy without doing anything ...

test of faith .....

test of faith ….
Test Of Faith
last wednesday anthony dwight peji tan passed away …. a cute six year old boy whose so kulet but loved by so many …. he’s apple son …. a dear friend … last friday i came to visit dwight indeed to bid my last goodbye …. there i saw apple , i saw how she cried a lot of times everytime she mentioned dwight , her ordeal , her reactions , how she questioned god , and most of all i saw her in her darkest day how she let go of dwight and accept her fate …. how she trust god to take good care of her little dwight …. yes it is painful to someone to lost the people whom they really love and treasure …. and this is the story of faith …. i copied this blog from apple …. and here it is ….

aT some
time in those early days—we do not know just at what time, whether in the days
of Moses or later—there was living a good man named Job. His home was in the

land

of

Uz

,
which may have been on the edge of the desert, east of the

land

of

Israel

.
Job was a very rich man. He had sheep, and camels, and oxen, and asses, counted
by the thousand. In all the east there was no other man so rich as Job.







And Job was a good man.
He served the Lord God, and prayed to God every day, with an offering upon
God’s altar, as men worshipped in those times. He tried to live as God wished
him to live, and was always kind and gentle. Every day, when his sons were out
in the field, or were having a feast together in the house of any of them, Job
went out to his altar, and offered a burnt-offering for each one of his sons
and his daughters, and prayed to God for them; for he said:

“It may be that my
sons have sinned or have turned away from God in their hearts; and I will pray
God to forgive them.”

At one time, when the
angels of God stood before the Lord, Satan the Evil One came also, and stood
among them, as though he were one of God’s angels. The Lord God saw Satan, and
said to [181] him, “Satan, from what place have you come?” “I
have come,” answered Satan, “from going up and down in the earth and
looking at the people upon it.”

Then the Lord said to
Satan, “Have you looked at my servant Job? And have you seen that there is
not another man like him in the earth, a good and a perfect man, one who fears
God and does nothing evil?” Then Satan said to the Lord: “Does Job
fear God for nothing? Hast thou not made a wall around him, and around his
house, and around everything that he has? Thou hast given a blessing upon his
work, and has made him rich. But if thou wilt stretch forth thy hand, and take
away from him all that he has, then he will turn away from thee and will curse
thee to thy face.”

Then the Lord said to
the Evil One, “Satan, all that Job has is in your power; you can do to his
sons, and his flocks, and his cattle, whatever you wish; only lay not your hand
upon the man himself.”

Then Satan went forth
from the Lord; and soon trouble began to come upon Job. One day, when all his
sons and daughters were eating and drinking together in their oldest brother’s
house, a man came running to Job, and said:

“The oxen were
plowing, and the asses were feeding beside them, when the wild men from the
desert came upon them, and drove them all away; and the men who were working
with the oxen [182] and caring for the asses have all been killed; and I am the
only one who has fled away alive!”

While this man was
speaking, another man came rushing in; and he said:

“The lightning
from the clouds has fallen on all the sheep, and on the men who were tending
them; and I am the only one who has come away alive!”

Before this man had
ended, another came in; and he said:

“The enemies from

Then at the same time,
one more man came in, and said to Job:

“Your sons and
your daughters were eating and drinking together in their oldest brother’s
house, when a sudden and terrible wind from the desert struck the house, and it
fell upon them. All your sons and your daughters are dead, and I alone have
lived to tell you of it.”

Thus in one day, all
that Job had—his flocks, and his cattle, and his sons and his daughters—all
were taken away; and Job, from being rich, was suddenly made poor. Then Job
fell down upon his face before the Lord, and he said:

“With nothing I
came into the world, and with nothing I shall leave it. The Lord gave, and the
Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

So even when all was
taken from him Job did not turn away from God, nor did he find fault with God’s
doings.

And again the angels of
God were before the Lord, and Satan, who had done all this harm to Job, was
among them. The Lord said to Satan, “Have you looked at my servant Job?
There is no other man in the world as good as he; a perfect man, one that fears
God and does no wrong act. Do you see how he holds fast to his goodness, even
after I have let you do him so great harm?” Then Satan answered the Lord,
“All that a man has he will give for his life. But if thou wilt put thy
hand upon and touch his bone and his flesh, he will turn from thee, and will
curse thee to thy face.”

And the Lord said to
Satan, “I will give Job into your hand; do to him whatever you please;
only spare his life.”

[183] Then Satan went
out and struck Job, and caused dreadful boils to come upon him, over all his
body, from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. And Job sat down in
the ashes in great pain; but he would not speak one word against God. His wife
said to him, “What is the use of trying to serve God? You may as well
curse God, and die!”

But Job said to her,
“You speak as one of the foolish women. What? shall we take good things
from the Lord? and shall we not take evil things also?” So Job would not
speak against God. Then three friends of Job came to see him, and to try to
comfort him in his sorrow and pain. Their names were Eliphaz, and Bildad, and
Zophar. They sat down with Job, and wept, and spoke to him. But their words
were not words of comfort. They believed that all these great troubles had come
upon Job to punish him for [184] some great sin, and they tried to persuade Job
to tell what evil things he had done, to make God so angry with him.











For in those times most
people believed that trouble, and sickness, and the loss of friends, and the
loss of what they had owned, came to men because God was angry with them on
account of their sins. These men thought that Job must have been very wicked
because they saw such evils coming upon him. They made long speeches to Job,
urging him to confess his wickedness.

Job said that he had
done no wrong, that he had tried to do right; and he did not know why these
troubles had come; but he would not say that God had dealt unjustly in letting
him suffer. Job did not understand God’s ways, but he believed that God was
good; and he left himself in God’s hands. And at last God himself spoke to Job
and to his friends, telling them that it is not for man to judge God, and that
God will do right by every man. And the Lord said to the three friends of Job:

“You have not
spoken of me what is right, as Job has. Now bring an offering to me; and Job
shall pray for you, and for his sake I will forgive you.”

So Job prayed for his
friends, and God forgave them. And because in all his troubles Job had been
faithful to God, the Lord blessed Job once more, and took away his boils from
him, and made him well. Then the Lord gave to Job more than he had ever owned
in the past, twice as many sheep, and oxen, and camels, and asses. And God gave
again to Job seven sons and three daughters; and in all the land there were no
women found so lovely as the daughters of Job. After his trouble, Job lived a
long time, in riches, and honor, and goodness, under God’s care

Chaldea

have come in three bands, and have taken away all
the camels. They have killed the men who were with them; and I am the only one
left alive!”

what is a friend .....

friendship isn't always easily described. Instead of different words, however, we're stuck with simple adjectives. Close friend. Best friend. Childhood friend. Intimate friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend. But whether you use adjectives or different words, few could deny the nearly infinite meaning in such a simple word.friends are special people... in a very real sense, friends reflect the choices we make in life. ....

here's my description about friends .....

1. friend is ATE SALVE : she's my real best friend .... no doubt about it through the saddest times of my life .... a friend who taught me how to become strong and fight for what i believe in ... through the saddest and rough times of my life she stayed .. lend a helping hand indeed act as a real ate ..... my wings beneath my wing .

2. friend is KEN-KEN : we're like batman and robin .... she's my better half ...we're like cats and dogs when we fight .... but definitely one true friend .... a one to be trully cherish ...a friend for keeps .... she's like a song that tells :that kind of friend you know , would stay with you through all the pain ,never to leave you in the rain ,ready to listen to what you've been through , your woes and blues and share each other's... points of view ....

3. friend is ELENA : whooooh my friend for 17 years ..... my drinking buddy , my protector , my shield in times of troubles that's ellen ... and i love her dearly .... she's like a song that tells : Lay my life on the line, for you I will fight, for you I will die, with every breath, with all my soul , i'll give my word, I'll give it all put your faith in me, put your faith in me ,and I'll do anything... for you i will ....


4. friend is ROWENA MAY : the most kind among the astig gang ... so pasensyosa ... even if she's mad ... she will not make you feel that you're bad she's just say "hay naku kung di lang kita kaibigan" .... being with may is a blessing ... she listens and understand ... my phonebuddy when things aren't that good .... she's like a song that tells : When youre down and troubled , and you need a helping hand , and nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me , and soon I will be there ,to brighten up even your darkest nights ... you got a friend .....

5. friend is LOLITA:the most outspoken in the group .... when she speaks , she mean it well she's the one i always listen to ... she'll not condemn nor judge but she'll says that you're wrong in the nicest ways she can speak to . ... a friend that accept me just the way i am though i am not so nice .... she's like a song that tells :In good times and bad times , I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for ...


6.friend is MILA : when i think of mila ...i think of beautiful phrases ... beutiful lines ... words to ponder .... that's her ... the beauty of friendship that mila gave me ... she's a friend so dear that i will surely cherish and keep. she's like a song that tells : so we're okay , were fine , baby im here to stop your crying ,chase all the ghosts from your head , im stronger than the monster beneath your bed ,smarter than the tricks played on your heart ,well look at them together then well take them apart,adding up the total of a love thats true ,multiply life by the power of two .......


7.friend is SANTIE MARIE , ANALYN , ESMERALDA : these are the people whom i dont talk and see that much .... but definitely a friends to keep .... though we're apart and have no time to be together , these people never leave ... infact they stayed and continue to be my friends .... they are like a song that tells : But of all these friends and lovers ,there is no one compares with you ,and these memories lose their meaning ,when i think of love as something new
though i know i'll never lose affection ,for people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them , In my life i love you more ....


8. friend is ATEPEACHY : a true friend will keep one's friend secret and that's atepeachy ... with her i found a friend .... an adviser .... a confidante all packed in one . she's like a song that tells : Count on me through think and thin ,a friendship I will never end when you are weak, I will be strong ,helping you to carry on , call on me, I will be there , don't be afraid ,please believe me when I say count on...


and to those people who have touched my life and share a journey with me i thanked you ... words are not enough how thankful i am because i have you all in my life .... to those who stays and never leave i love you all so dearly ....

hard headed me ....

why is it hard to let go ????
why is it hard to forget ????
sometimes the thing that matters to me is my heart
and most of the time i always got hurt
i always forget the rules and follow my heart .
do i deserve to be like this ???
alone ??????
maybe the answer still hangs in my head ....

foolish ....

i made a fool out of my self ...
i fooled my friend ... indeed i fooled you .
why is it hard to comeback when you know its the best thing to do ?


foolish heart ... foolish mind
foolish ... oh so foolish of me.
wish my thoughts are here again ...
i lose my track and still am losing my insanity .

a trip to lobo, batangas

last weekend i got the change to see lobo , batangas , i never thought that aside from remote areas like benguet or batanes there's a beautiful place like lobo ... i wonder why i am so amaze of the place .... the trip was so fun ... infact i enjoyed it though a bit tiring ....

sa totoo lang hindi ko akalain na uso pa din pala sa batangas ang ganung klaseng pagsakay sa isang sasakyan , siksikan sa isang jeep na ang pangsampuan lang na upuan ... nagiging labing isa o labingdalawa at hindi lang yan sa gitna ng jeepney ay nakabalandra ang mga ibat-ibang klase ng kalakal na ibebenta nila may sinturis na ngayon ko lang nadinig na sa tamang pangalan nya sa tagalog ay dalandan , may pinipig , bigas , lansones , saging at kung anu-ano pa actually para kaming tinapa ... o sige na nga para kaming sardinas na habang bumabaybay kayo sa inyong patutunguan eh may mga tao duon na bumibili at nag bebenta ng kanilang mga kalakal ... mga ordinaryong tao na ibat-iba ang mga katangian .... mga ordinaryong tao na mababakas ang kasimplehan ng kanilang pamumuhay .

mahigit isang oras ang babaybayin mo kung gusto mong makapunta ng lobo , sa isang oras na yun na puro mga puno , bangin , zigzag na daan , amoy ng tae ng kalabaw at ang mga baku-bakung daan , masasabi ko na naman na sulit ang pag punta ko sa lobo .

bakit nga ba ako nakarating sa lobo ? kasi ba naman etong si jopotskie kinaray-karay ako duon .... biro mo alas kwatro ng umaga gising na ako .... nag hahanda na para lang makarating sa lobo . classic di ba ? para naman ang layo ng lugar ... pero promise malayo nga sya kung tutuusin .... duon kasi dinedevote ni jopotskie ang araw ng linggo sa lobo , andun kasi ang mga tao na nakasama nya ng matagal , mga tao na simple lang ang hangad sa buhay, walang halong kaplastikan , mga tao na ang nais lamang ay magbigay ng parangal at pag papahalaga sa amang nagpahiram ng ating buhay ...

akala ko noong una hindi ako mag eenjoy kasi ba naman antok na antok pa ako kulang na kulang ako sa tulog ... tapos ang maririnig ko mga kanta at panalangin na nagbibigay papuri sa diyos .... sabagay sa totoo lang ulit di naman ako debotong nilalang hindi nga ako nag sisimba eh . madalas nagagawi lang ako sa simbahan pag birthday ko , minsan nga hindi pa o kaya naman pag may matindi akong problema na hindi ko na kayang dalhin ....

pero si jopotskie grabe karir sa kanya ang pagpunta ng lobo ... doon binibigay nya ang sarili nya sa mga tao na kanyang nakakasalamuha ...
sa loob ng dalawang oras na pag woworship nila isang nilalang ang nakapukaw ng aking atensyon .... si tatay hindi ko kasi natandaan ang kanyang pangalan kaya tatawagin ko na lang sya ng tatay ....

isang matandang lalaki na puno ng katiwasayan sa buhay .... kuntento kung anuman ang meron sya . sa unang kita ko pa lang sa kanya mababakas na sa kanyang mukha na masaya sya sa kanyang buhay , maaliwalas ang kanyang mukha .... may kirot akong nadama sa aking puso ... biro mo buti pa ang mama na ito kontento na kung ano ang meron siya samantalang ako i always asked for more or indeed i dont value what i have .... ( sigh )

sa kanyang pag sasalita naibahagi nya ang kanyang buhay na dinaanan kung paano mabuhay sa maliit lang na salapi . biro mo ang two hundred pesos malaking bagay na sa kanila samantalang ako , yun 200pesos pambili lang ng magazine o kung ano man na pang kikay ko .... sa kanila ang perang yun pangkain na nila ng kaniyang pamilya .... he made me realized how lucky i am ... sa kanyang testimonial sabi nya minsan daw dapat itest natin si god kasi si god kahit na anuman ang mangyari di nya tayo pinapabayaan ... pag nagbigay ka ng sapat mas malaki ang kapalit noon di man pera pero sa ibat-ibang bagay bumabawi si god ...

sa totoo lang ulit lahat naman ng sinabi ni tatay may tama .... may dating kumbaga ... halimbawa na ako .... sa totoo lang ang swerte - swerte ko biro mo may trabaho ako , kumikita ng maayos , nabibili ko kung ano man ang aking naisin , nakakapunta sa mga magagandang lugar , nakakain ng masarap sa tamang oras , lahat ano pa ba ang dapat kung hilingin .... dapat doon pa lang makuntento na ako .... pero hindi malungkot pa din ako bakit kasi may isa bagay pa na hindi pa binibigay saken ang diyos ....

kasalanan ko din naman kasi hindi kasi ako nag titino ... hindi natutoto masyado kasi akong mapusok.... hige lang ng hige ... kaya siguro hindi pa sya dumarating kasi masyado akong pasaway .... hehehehehehe and really i don't value what i have , i keep asking for more na feeling ko ang lungkot ng buhay ko na malaking kawalan sken kung wala ang isang bagay na yun na totoong magpapaligaya sken .... hindi ba ako ang unfair ? sa totoo lang ulit i am so lucky kasi in all of my trials and difficulties lagi syang nandyan ako lang ang hindi marunong mag give thanks well i do appreciate it pero i am looking for what i dont really have . dapat ngayon matuto na ako kasi di na naman ako bumabata infact i should learn to value everything .... a trip to lobo was indeed educating .... infact i learned to value myself more and realized that god is too good to me because no matter how bad and mean i can be he still continue to shower me with lots of blessing .... he never give up on me so why should i question him about that someone .... well infact i know that someday god will bring me to that right someone ....

tragedy...glorietta bombing

october 19,2007

bilang isang empleyado sa media .... ang nais namin ay makapaghatid ng balita ... ng maganda at makabuluhang storya ...

october 19, 2007 .... isang malakas na pagsabog sa glorietta 2 sa makati ang naganap . isang trahedya na ikinamatay ng walong katao at mahigit sa pitongpung katao ang nasugatan ... at dumarami pa ....

kanina lahat ng tao sa newsroom ay abalang-abala sa pag hahanap ng impormasyon para makakuha ng mga latest na video na maari namin na maipakita sa taong bayan ...
lahat ay abala-abalang , walang nakakaramdam ng pagod , lahat ay kumikilos para lamang maihatid sa taong bayan ang mga pangyayari na dinulot ng trahedyang ito ...
at isa na ako sa mga tao na yun ....
kanina ang akala ko okey na yun mauna kami sa gma 7 na makapagbreakinng news ... aba malaking kagalakan ata yun nauna kami, naungusan namin sila sa magagandang video ... biro mo may chopper shot pa kami ayos ...
na ang lahat ng ito ay kompetisyon ... pagandahan at malaliman ng storya na makukuha ...
eh di ba masarap yata yun feeling na ikaw ang exclusive .... may magandang coverage na maipapakita sa tao ....

kanina din habang nag nenews central ako .... habang unti -unti ng pumapasok sa utak ko ang pangyayaring naidulot ng trahedyang ito ... ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang awa sa puso ko sa mga tao na nasugatan , sa mga tao na namatayan , sa mga tao na naiwanan ng kanilang mga mahal sa buhay ....

ang pait na idinulot ng trahedyang ito ... ang mga bakas ng pagsabog sa glorietta na nagdulot ng maraming abala sa mga tao na nais lamang na maglibang o kaya'y maghanap ng pagkakakitaan sa buhay ...
sa mga tao na hindi na mararamdaman pa ang magmahal ...
sa mga tao na naghahangad ng panibagong buhay
sa mga tao na nawalan ng pamilya at mahal sa buhay

bakit ba may mga tao na ang nais lamang ay makasakit ng kapwa ? bakit may mga tao na walang awa na kumikitil ng buhay ng mga inosenteng nilalang ? sana lang nakakatulog pa kayo sa gabi ...
sana may nararamdaman pa kayo na konting pagmamahal sa inyong mga puso ...
sana habang pinanonood nyo sa tv ang ang kaharasan na idinulot nyo ay magawa nyo pa at maramdaman kayo ng kahit na konting konsensya ...
sa totoo lang .... walang ginawang kasalanan ang mga tao na nasa glorietta kanina ...
dahil ba ang gusto nyo lamang na makapanakot ?
maghasik ng lagim ?
sabihing mahina ang ating pamahalaan at walang tibay na maaasahan ... ?
ang alam ko bawat nilalang ay may puso , bawat isa sa ating mag bait na itinatago ..
pero hindi ko din alam ang kasagutan ...
ang alam ko sa ngayon madaming tao ang nakakaramdam ng sakit na idinulot ng trahedyang ito , marami ang nawalan ng mahal sa buhay na dulot ng mga taong hangad ay makapanakit ng kapwa .... sana lang may pagmamahal pa kayong natitira sa puso nyo ..
at sana hindi nyo maramdaman ang sakit na iniwan nyo sa mga tao na nagdurusa ngayon.

october 14...a time to mourn

it was a fine day then when ellen texted me something , she told me that jessica's mom passed away . i was in shocked ... i didn't expect it was too soon .... my tears suddenly fell as if i was the one who lose her ....

last august , nanay discovered that she has a liver cancer , at first we thougth the pain she was having was brought about by her heart complication , that time nanay was so strong ...
she was hospitalized for a week ... we even visited her at the hospital .... she even laughed , tells story to us , she even said she wanted to go home ...
i don't see anything ... i dont see any sign that she will be gone soon ....
the big c got her .... it was a big lost but then again nanay will not suffer more...
today ... nanay linda passed away and i am so sad of losing her .
i was in shocked and in pain ..... i cried ... i really cried of losing her ....

i will surely misses nanay erlinda ... a kindhearted mom who sacrifice eveything for her five children .... her husband died when jessica's still five then ...
how can i forget a person who's so thoughtful in so many ways ...
a great cook ... a caring and loving grandmother to migs .... a happy person ,. she's so easy to be with ... i will surely misses the food she always cooked for us ... everything about her will surely misses .

today i'll bid goodbye to nanay ... i dont know how long will it take to stop me from crying everytime i remember her ... but one thing is for sure i've known a great woman , a mom that will do everything and will sacrifice everything for her children ... a time for me to mourn and a time for me to say goodbye ... thanks nanay i will remember you always ....

sometimes you have to really let go...

when i think about the time ... do i really have some regrets ? of knowing and giving some or rather most of my attention to someone who really breaks my heart ? oh well .... the answer is no . :) why ? because i must admit that during those times , that someone really put some spark and magic to my life ... they really makes me happy ... in a way that i want it ... ( yes ofcourse i maybe blind and maybe am the only one who feels that . )

sometimes we keep on questioning ourselves and even god why these things happens ? why do we need to feel the pain and make our life so miserable .... we always asked god why ? but the things is do we really asked our selves first ?

i been through a lot of good and bad relationship ... i never won ... i always failed ... i always cried in vain of losing them ... it killed and tore me apart ... maybe because i dont really did my best in loving them , or maybe because its better not to be with them anymore...
i am not afraid to love ... infact i continue loving them , god gave me a big heart and i must admit that i will never be afraid to love as long as i' ve got heart . i never have any regrets but sometimes its better to let them go .... because letting go means that i love them more ...

as i see my self now i am alone again .... i maybe sad today but hey i am not empty ...because i do believe in that time ....the right someone will come along and maybe i will do it right .... so why should i be lonely ? i have lots of good friends who really stay beside me when things go wrong ... i still have myself .... my family .... my friends and god .

sometimes we never really lost that someone .... they just been returned to where they came from ... atleast i had my time and chance of loving them .......

in my loneliness

paano ba mag paalam sa taong minahal mo mo ng lubusan ? di ba ang hirap ...
madalas tinatanong ko yan sa aking sarili ... bakit ba naman na lagi akong nag mamahal lagi din naman akong nasasaktan .... dahil pa nag eexpect ako na balang araw mamahalin din ako ng taong mahal ko .... na balang araw makikita nya rin ang worth ko at masasabi nya sa sarili nya na mahal na din nya ako ? pero di naman lahat may happy ending ...

at di lahat ng fairy tale masaya ...

parang ako masaya ba ako ? sumaya ba ako sa mga relasyon na pinasukan ko ? nakabangon na ba talaga ako sa sakit na dinulot nito ...
dati-rati pag nag mahal ako puso lang ang masakit bakit ngayon pati utak ko konektado ?

minsan ang hirap ng huminga ... ang hirap ng maging masaya yun bang kailangan tumawa ka ng pag kalakas-lakas para lang masabi na masaya ka ....

sa mga gabi na mag isa ka o ikaw naisip mo na ba na parang ayaw mo na .... sabi ng utak mo tama na ayaw mo kasi di naman tama , masasaktan ka lang , na dapat alam mo na ang tama at mali ... pero bakit ganun mas madalas ang puso natin ang nasusunod ...

minamahal pa din natin ang mga tao na nag papahirap at nag papasakit ng ating kalooban ...

kailangan ba na sobra-sobrang sakit para lang masabi natin na pagod na tayo ? ano pa ba ang nararapat para masabi natin sa sarili natin na ayaw ko na talaga ...
madalas pag di ko na kaya ... umaakyat ako sa third floor sa unit nina bryan doon sumisigaw ako ng todo-todo .... wala lang para akong tanga para lang makahinga para lang mawala ang nasasaloob ko ...

minsan di ko magawang umiyak ... parang gustuhin ko man wala ng luha na gusto pang pumatak pero nasasaktan pa din ako ... yun para bang unti-unti kang pinapatay na buong pagkatao mo unti-unting nawawala ... para kang kandila na nauupos ...
isang sakit na walang kagalingan ....

ang hirap di ba .... bakit ang hirap na limutin ka .... matatawa ba ako o maiiyak kasi tanga ako ? naririnig mo ba ang mga pighati na ito .... nararamdam mo ba ang mga sakit na dinulot mo sa pagkatao ako ? siguro hindi , dahil hindi ka naman marunong mag mahal , hindi mo alam kung paano masaktan at mag pahalaga dahil wala ka nun sa puso mo ...

hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ang kaya ko ... kaya ko pa ba ?
kaya ko pa bang mag mahal ulit ? sana lang sa susunod yun di mo na katulad para atleast maging masaya naman ang mga tulad namin na totoong magmahal ... nakakapagod na dinn kasi .... ikaw di ka pa ba napapagod ?

leave of absence footnotes ni kenken

hello philippines , hello world , mabuhay !ewan ko din ba kanina wala akong magawa kaya nag bukas na naman ako ng pambansang libangan ang friendster ! sa aking pag sasalikisik napukaw ang aking atensyon sa bulletin ni karen cabangon .... pwede bang mag absent ?
pwede nga bang mag absent hay naku bakit nga ba ang hirap - hirap na umabsent ewan ko din ba kung di ka pa magkakasakit di ka papayagn na lumiban sa trabaho .
parang kailangan ata na puro trabaho na lang .... katulad ngayon ulit atat na atat na akong di magtrabaho ala pa akong kapalit sa bandila ... naiinis na ako ... nababagot ...
kaya heto pakibasa na lang ang likha ni ken .... totoo po ito maniwala ka ....

pwede bang umabsent ni karen cabangon:


ewan ko ba.. bakit ang hirap umabsent sa trabaho... madaling magpaalam kaso nga lang wala naman makakapalit. meron man di ko pa rin magawa kasi baka may pumutok na malaking balita e hello di naman ako writer di rin naman ako ep isang hamak lang na coordinator.

iniisip ko kasi baka mahirapan si barbie pagnagkataon. love ko kasi sya e ehem! teka pala e nung birthday ko di ako umabsent e pwede namang mag-birthday leave pero di ko pa rin nagawa kasi mahihirapan na naman siya. sabi nga ni sir ted failon lilipas din yan kaya ayun present pa rin ako. tanong ko tuloy, meron din ba tayong bday loan?
hehehe. halos sa araw-araw ko nga na ginagawa: kailangan pumasok ng maaga na di ko ginagawa kasi naglalaro pa kami ni bea at alam mo yun barbie. kahit man maaga akong umalis ng bahay traffic naman sa nakapagandang daan ng nlex, di ba reichelle? agree ako sayo. tapos pagdating ko pa sa newsroom na hindi pa man din ako nakakapagsuklay na para bang ang hangin sa labas, heto at may isang tao na mataas na ang kilay at
magtatanung, "bakit ngayon ka lang?" siempre no comment lang ako baka kasi mahalibas ko ng silya eh! "hello, 3:30pm pa lang! may storya na ba?!" "ep ka?!" ayan e deadma siya. dadating naman si reichelle ganun din sasabihin pwede ba irecord mo na yang sinasabi mo nakakairita na. barbie ikaw ba yan?! ooops.. ep ka nga pala executive
playback nyarhar! so pagkatapos ng 2 and a half na paki-print ang script, o kuhanan na si ganito ng script ni (reporter) dictate na siya, paki-transfer na yung script ni (reporter), ay ken pakilagyan naman ng water yung dispenser kasi wala na e, ano ba? karir! siempre ako naman sunud lang kasi wala kaming pangkape nasan na ba si kurt?, kelangan ko talagang gawin si mam beth yung nag-utos e hehehe totoong ep na yun ng tvpatrol. o usok naman tayo dyan. ay 6pm na pala kailangan ko na pumunta ng studio07. di pa man ako nakakaupo feeling ko napapagod na ako feeling ko may sakit na ako sa puso sa tuwing umeere ang patrol.

ayan na 5mins before airing vivi ang headlines nasan na ilang percent na? ano dubbing out na ba? ilan ang item mo? magsalita ka..viviiii?!! halos minalat ako sa
pagbanggit ko ng mga salitang iyon. pasok na headlines problema naman ang first item wala pa ano ba yan?!! aatakehin na ko sa puso di ko alam kung ano ipapasok ko sa prompter. ate nems please parang awa mo na! heto na si mam beth galit na.. "putang-ina nasan na si (reporter)! at heto na ang hagis to the max na telepono na kung di ako iilag e tatamaan talaga ako.. ok na siguro kami pag natapos na ang first gap ng patrol. sana 7:50 na kasi antok na ko eh.. at at saka sakit na tenga ko sa mga boses
esp. barbie, ate peachy, mam beth. damay pa nyan ang katawan. kailangan bang may masaktan ha?!! ang sakit nung isang araw na nagwala si mam beth na hinagis nya yung phone dumampi sa kamay ko eh may pasa nga ko e joke~ ayan hay salamat tapos na ang patrol siempre isang programa na lang ang kakaririn ko.. newscentral pero di naman ako gaanong hirap dun kasi taga tanawan lang naman ako at saka taga mando.

10:40pm uy uwian na. abang na ko taksi. "mama, sa may cubao po sa may baliuag transit malapit" eto na sakay naman ako sa van pauwi na... kamalas malasan ko pa may lasing pa akong katabi.. nasa nlex na kami ng bigla na lang siyang bumuwal sa tabi ko siempre nainis ako at sinabihan ko siya na "mama ano ba? parang wala ng inumang
magaganap bukas ah?! di man lang kayo nagtira ng konting ulirat sa pag-uwi" hay nako sobrang di ko ma-take ang amoy.. at heto pa sinampay pa niya ang kamay nya sa ulo ko, loko loko talaga nagalit na talaga ako at sinigawan ko na siya "mama wala ka sa hulog magtino ka ihuhulog kita sa daan!" awa naman ng dios nakarating ako ng matiwasay sa aming tahanan. miss ko na si bea. mwah!

yung lang po. ang araw araw kong ginagawa. opisina-bahay minsan inum dyan sa may tapat. so ngayon aabsent pa ba ko ... hmmm di na i love my job eh. mamimiss ko yung mga yun oh

in my mind...

alas onse na ng gabi labing walong minuto na lang bandila na naman ... sandaling oras kung tutuusin ngunit sa isang katulad ko na bagod na bagod na sa kakatrabaho ito ay isang matagal na pag hihintay .... hay .... bakit ba naman ang tagal ng oras ....
kaya heto napasulat na naman ako sa aking talaan ng samut-saring pangkaisipan ....
huwebes na mamaya lang ng konti byernes na naman at sa susunod sabado na ....
ang pinakamalungkot na araw para sa akin ....
kanina naitanong ko kay jorda bakit ba ala na akong inspirasyon .... sino kaya ang susunod na lalaki na magpapaiyak at gugulo ng aking mundo ? darating pa kaya siya ? o maghihintay ba ako ng matagal ? ay ano ba nawawalan na ba ako ng pag asa ? siguro hindi naman pero sana malapit na siya ....
minsan kasi kahit na sabihin ko at itanim sa puso at isipan ko na magmamahal pa din ako kahit na gaano kasakit ..... minsan di ko na din magawa .... para bang nauupos ako na kandila ..... minsan nawawalan na ako ng lakas na magpatuloy pa ...
kaya ko pa ba ? dapat lang kasi wala naman akong inuurungan .... sa madaling salita palaban ako ...
pero hanggang kaylan ? hanggang kaylan ako maghihintay ? hanggang kaylan ako lalaban ?
hindi ko alam .... sana lang matapos na ang nararamdaman ko na ito ...
masakit na kasi .... dati puso ko lang ang masakit ... ngayon pati uttak ko , isipan konektado sa puso ko .... hindi na ako makapag isip ng maayos .....
nakakatawa lang ..... sa bandang huli mag isa pa din ako ....
minsan ulit tama si shine ako ang tipo ng taong mahilig magmahal sa mga taong di ako mahal ....
bakit nga ba nagkakaganun ..... siguro mahal din nila ako kaya lang mas higit ang pagmamahal na kaya kung ibigay ....
masakit .... sobrang sakit na minsan iiyak ka na lang ng impit na para bang wala ng bukas
pero hindi .... dapat lumalaban ka sa sakit .... hindi ka dapat mag patalo sa nararamdaman mo .... kaya mo yan mnemosynne .... palaban ka di ba ?
sa ngayon parang hindi na ako ang tunay na ako ....bakit may galit akong nararamdam ? bakit hindi ko magawang tumawa na galing sa puso ko ? dahil ba nasaktan ako ? sana bumalik na ang dating ako .... namimiss na kita mnemosynne .......

my first

wow my blog na ako at heto ha unang subok ko ... ano nga ba ang sasabihin ko ...
hmmmmmmmm...... di ako magaling na writer pag masama ang loob ko siguro i can say things coming through my heart pero ngayon may puso ba ako ....
let me check .....
ok shoot ....

september 12, 2007 :

historic ang araw na ito , today is the day na naconvicted si erap ...

guilty sa kasong plunder

not guilty sa kasong perjury ....

at pagod na pagod din ako kasi kasama ako sa mga taong nag nanais na maihatid ang katotohanan sa taong bayan ... in short in the service of the filipino people .... sige na nga trabaho ko kasi yun ... ang alin ? ang mag hatid ng balita ...
pero aside from that tiring work ... something is bugging me ... bakit kasi pasaway ako , mapagpatol sa mga taong walang bait sa sarili ... in short sa mga taong may tama at sapak na ata sa utak. let me reiterate ...

july 16, 2007. akala ko bumagsak ang mundo ko ... pinagsakluban na ata ako ng langit at lupa . ang galing talaga ng technology or maybe mabait lang talaga si god sken bakit kasi he let me allow to see things in the dark ...

at long last ang pinakahihintay kung pag kakataon , ang mga kasagutan sa mga tanong ko unti-unti ng nabibigyan ng kasagutan . bakit nga ba ? kasi di ko din alam dahil ba di ako nag tatanong , wala akong balak mag tanong ? o nag hihintay ako na si friend ang mag sabi ng katotohanan at pawang katotohanan ....

minsan naiisip ko tama ba na malaman ko pa lahat ng ito ? na nag sisisi ba ako kasi nalaman ko ang pagkatao niya ? o sana wala na lang akong ginawa para atleast it wont hurt me ... na tamang sabihin na what i dont know wont hurt me ...... pero hindi eh nasaktan pa din ako .... umiyak ... bakit nga ba? because in a way i feel cheated ... na inalisan ng karapatan na malaman ang katotohanan ?

but maybe i deserve more ... kasi totoo naman akong nakipagkaibigan sayo friend ...
alam mo kung ano ang masakit yun malaman na yun taong kilala mo pala ay hindi mo sasabing realidad.

yes i live in dreams ..... or the worst fantasy !!!!!!!
masasabi ko ba nag kamali ako ? siguro hindi .....
asan na ba tayo friend ? asan na ba tayo friend ?